blogging is apparently a seemingly endless attempt to convince myself about many different matters.

berubah

manusia memang sepertinya takut berubah.

aku takut berubah.
takut mencoba.
takut kecewa.
takut, kembali pada trauma masa lalu yang mencekam nafas.

aku terlalu cinta pada melbourne.
pada kebahagiaan yang bisa kuraih dengan logika. pada keselarasan yang pas dalam liku pikiranku setiap harinya.
pada aku yang diterima. batinku aman, pikiranku tak tersiksa.

tapi lain. lain di indonesia.
di mana semua pihak bermain drama. diaduk modal dan kerja paksa.
tanpa pemecahan. tanpa jalan keluar.
terjebak di kegelapan dan ajang tiru-meniru hedonis yang menekan napas.

aku sudah pasti lelah. memikirkannya sakit kepala.
terkumpul di ulu hati, menimbun prasangka.
akan dibenci. dikhianati. dijauhi. disakiti.
seperti dulu, dulu, dulu.

melbourne adalah simbol penderitaan berakhir kebahagiaan.
wajar.

indonesia adalah simbol perjuangan tanpa akhir yang menguras ... dan berakhir bagai siksa.
binasa.

aku tidak mau berubah.
aku takut pada indonesia.
aku cinta pada melbourne.
waktu. waktu mengejar.

mungkin aku salah. mungkin prasangkaku tak beralasan.
mungkin ada kesempatan untuk bernafas dan menghirup upaya keceriaan.
mungkin saja.
aku harap begitu. benar-benar.

antara sibuk dan ga ngapa-ngapain

well i almost finished all my exams
i only have one more left and it's on the 19th
since it's also indonesian, i don't want to worry about it :P

so now i can consider my self as no longer being at school
i'm not a highschooler anymore
i thought it would be cool or exciting
in reality it's boring
it's not that i'm ungrateful, i'm happy really, since i had to wait one semester longer than my friends back in indonesia

however

now doing things that i used to do to distract myself from studying doesnt seem relieving at all
it feels ... bland
now i realise things like watching movies, going on the net etc. were really just an excuse to wag!
and that humans always want what they don't have at the time

i started to have regrets about my past time-wasting
but hey, whatever marks i get, i think i deserve it since i didn't really study like crazy this year, well, not as hard as the previous years!
hopefully everything goes well
whatever happens it's meant to be, and now is the chance to prove that i could stand up for my own belief

praying for all victorians students and others who are doing exams,
especially for my year level mates
may Allah give us the best mark possible and allows us to get the best benefit from our seemingly endless years of studying, insha Allah

we've done the time, and we've done well

'the greatest glory is not in never falling,
but getting up everytime we do'

may we all have the chance to improve ourselves and achieve greater success in the future, insha Allah :D

exam journal 2 and 3

THE PRESSURE
THE PRESSURE!
THE PRESSURE!!

i keep on doing things that will take me nowhere
i keep on forgetting the very thing that i should remember
i keep on being threatened by facts that disappoint me

hold on.
the rough ride will stop soon.
and then you will find home.
to overcome regret and learn.

exam journal 1 and 2

my first exam was on the 27th, which was the indonesian oral
i admit my preparations have been late and lazy, and slow-paced too
i forgot some of my sentence structures and made it sound even more complicated thatn it already was lol
the interview part was very raw but i think i've done everything i could do during the short period before the exam, and yeah, nobody's perfect, and humans are not meant to decide when they're gonna be excellent or not

somehow writing in english feels like torture now
i guess the adrenaline for tomorrow's english exam has kicked in
i dont know why, the more i study from text guides, the more i feel like i havent done enough studying and it makes me feel sad and dissappointed about my slacking-off habit which is unusual
but of course, let's just be positive and hope that everything will turn out fine
i learnt my lesson
for this once, i did.

i don't want to go back because its out of my hand
i dont want to drown myself in regrets because it wont change anything that is done
i dont want to be harsh on myself because im not a limitless robot
i want to be positive for the future
think, do, and act optimistic to whatever would happen
and of course,
gratefully use the best of now

bismillaahirrahmaanirrahiim!

This is techno.
Fingers no longer touch. They type.

This is techno.
Lips no longer speak. They call.

This is techno.
One no longer have conversation.
They chat.

This is techno.
Eyes no longer see. They view.

This is techno.
People no longer meet. They do ... conference.

This is techno.
I no longer say. I post.

This is techno.
You are my friend, but I don't know you.

This is techno.
Everything is translucent, invisible.
Unclear.

antara bohong dan benar

i might have said that i've forgotten about him
i have no feelings left
that i hate him for life

yet

just hours ago i saw his status on msn and he wrote: 'for you, anything'

he's in love.
with the what-the-hell-were-you-thinking girl.
and duh, not me

i don't know why
i find more hateful things about him, but it's so weird that when i read his post i'm like,
i was hurt!
i felt like crying.
i cried actually.
for a living person who doesn't even realise if i'm still breathing safely or not

i better not be in this kind of situation ever again.